Friday, December 3, 2010

Something I Had to Share...

Hide me
from me.
Fill these
holes with eyes
for mine are not
mine.  Hide
me head & need
for I am not good
so dead in life
so much time.
Be wing, and
shade my me
from my desire
to be
hooked fish.
That worm
looks sweet and
makes my me
blind.  And, too,
my heart hide
for I shall at
this rate it also
eat in time.

Stan Rice
from Some Lamb ~ 1975

I found this in Anne Rice's book, Queen of the Damned, at the beginning of Part III.  I like it.  So I thought I'd share it. :)

Happy Friday, I'm sure I'll be back later to think about more things  here.
Until then...

Because Sleep is Evading Me...

...I decided to write something rambly. :)

So, I did it again. I let myself forget about this. This which I love so much :) I'll probably never be an every day blogger though. You'd probably get sick of me if I was. Whoever YOU may be.

Since I was here last, I relized that I told a big fat lie. I said I would not go Black Friday shopping...but 5:45 AM found hubby and I, still in a turkey coma, in our local Wal-Mart lugging around this basketball thing that my kids (yes, even my daughter) all really wanted. I gotta say, I'm kind of excited too...I loved shooting hoops back in the day. :)

Basketball Thing
50% off :)

It is, of course, in a box...but the carts are not really equipped to hold a box of that size, especially in a crowd.  Speaking of the wasn't that bad this year.  Nobody was rude, quite the opposite actually.  I could see the strain on the faces of some of the workers, but they still managed to try to help answer my questions politely.  We got what we went for and a few other things and got out of there.  We stopped at one more place to pick up some Christmas lights and came home and took a nap.  Yes, we'll have to go shop again, but we put a dent in it and we proudly saved quite a bit of money. :)

Aside from all of that, even though the Christmas spirit is grabbing me...I have felt so sad lately and I don't know why.  I know that is the most pathetic sounding sentence ever lol, but that's ok. 

It's that kind of sadness that you feel um...
...yeah, right there.

It's kind of like Bella's hole in her chest, if you've ever read the Twilight books, New Moon in particular lol.  However, she knows the cause of her sadness.  I do not.  I have no clue actually.  I have been in a contemplative place lately, trying to figure out the cause of said sadness, and I have come up with nothing!  Most people would say, "Oh, it's just the holidays, everyone feels that way." and brush it off.  But, I have absolutely no reason to be sad about it being the holidays!  Yes, there are people in my life who are either far away or who have died in years gone by that I wish could be with me during the holidays.  But it's never made me sad before, so I'm not accepting "It's just the holidays" as my reason for not feeling very whole lately.  If anything, "the holidays" brings me out of it...I am SO EXCITED TO GET MY TREE lol.  And wrap presents.  And make cookies.  And drive around and look at more lights.  Cocoa and fires.  All of the Christmas movies I love watching with them.  The looks on their faces, all of them.  Yep, I LOVE the holidays.  So that's so not why I'm sad.  I'm not going to quit until I figure it out though.  I'm pretty sure that part of it is because I sleep crappily.  (Sorry, I saw "crappily" on a web forum the other day and there was a huge argument about it not being a word, so I am using it because it's a word to me!)  I have been working on the sleep thing by trying meditation.  I am not joking.  Not mediCATION, mediTATION.  I've never been able to "go there" before because my mind is a busy place lol, but I've found that lately, even when I am feeling rather chaotic, I'm able to shut out everything....sounds, thoughts, feelings...and just BE.  This is a little gift I give myself at night before I go to sleep, when my time is my own, and I think it has improved the quality of my sleep a little over the past few days. @ my dreams.  Talk about weird!  :)

The weird dreams can't possibly have anything to do with my choice of reading material before bed either.  I am re-reading the first six books of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, so that I may continue on with the six that followed.  I've read the first six before, but I stopped because I was at a very bad point in my life and they were getting under my skin.  I'm in a much better place now, sadness and all, and I'm ready to see how they play out.  But, reading these ones again (I'm halfway through Queen of the Damned...good book, horrible movie), makes me remember why they got under my skin to begin with lol. 

Anywho, I suppose I've rambled enough for now...again. 
I feel less sad already.  :)

If you read this, I thank you.
And I wish for you starry skies and vivid dreams.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Rambly Thinking :)

Well hello there followers.  Yuck.  I don't like the way that sounds lol.  They should make us "fans" or "readers" or...well, whatever.  I will call you all precious, if you don't mind.  I am of the mind that there is something of worth and something to learn about everyone.  Anyone who would take the time to read my insanity has to be a saint. :) 

I want to share something with you all that moved me beyond words.  It's not that difficult to do lol, I am a very emotional being.  However, this left me with a huge lump in my throat and much gratitude for this silly, adorable girl (Katy Perry) for throwing some positivity out there in the music world.  Don't be put off by "Katy Perry" lol, I know some people are.  The message of this video is sweet. :)

Anyway, I loved it.  It made me cry a little.  I believe that there is a Firework in each of us.  I am always here to make you aware of how fantastic you are, even on your worst days.  I wish for each of us to be able to see the greatness in ourselves.  Kind of a newfangled, less Christian version of This Little Light of Mine. :) 


My book writing isn't going so great!  I knew it wouldn't lol.  I am horrible at timetables and doing things in other people's timeframes and...well, anything that has anything to do with being on time with anything.  The story itself is fun for me though and I know that even if I don't finish with the rest of the NaNoWriMos (which I probably won't lol, only 9 days left!!) I know I will finish this story because it has become very special to me. 

Aside from that insanity and the guilt that comes along with it (another commitment made, another commitment abandoned lol, that's me!) I am doing great.  Loving this time of year even though we are so broke I could cry.  I know that even if my kids don't have thousands of dollars of presents underneath the tree, we will have a beautiful Christmas full of memories that I will cherish for years to come, long after the tree is dead (I insist on having a real one) and long after the wrapping paper is ashes in a landfill somewhere and very long after the new toys are forgotten.  I am not fond of the stress that comes along with "finding the perfect gift for everyone" I think I'm going to skip it this year.  I'm going to get everyone a little something to know that I was thinking of them, and I'm going to move on.  I'd rather just enjoy the season.  I'd rather waste my gas driving around showing the kids Christmas lights while we drink cocoa and sing Christmas songs.  I'd rather spend my time in front of the fireplace with a good book.  I'd rather not be in the stores with all of the selfishness and greed in a time that is supposed to be funderful.  I am not Black Friday shopping this year.  I Black Friday shop every year.  I just don't have it in me this year at all.  And no, I'm not Bah Humbuging...exactly the opposite.  I'm choosing to preserve the wonderment of the season by not participating in the insanity...I have enough of that already! :)

Anywho, that's all for now.  I have been thinking of so many things to write about here, but I've been not letting myself do it because I've been forcing myself to "work on my story" and that usually means I'm playing Bejeweled Blitz on facebook. :)  I think I will get much more accomplished on my story once I give up the notion of finishing something when someone else tells me to, and do it like I do everything else...when I feel like it, in my own time.  Meanwhile, I'm not going to stifle my urges to come blog about the things that cross my mind. 
You've been warned. :)

Thank you for reading!
Love and Moonbeams,

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Yep, I Did It :)

So, some of my friends have been "missing my blogs" (their words, not mine lol) and asking why I don't blog anymore.

I used to blog (sporadically) over on MySpace.  Once I discovered Facebook, I didn't like MySpace anymore, the only thing I missed was the blogging.  I haven't really even thought about setting up a new blog because we had a great "community" over there, and half of the fun of blogging for me was the interaction with the people who read my blogs!  It didn't matter if they agreed with everything I had to say or not, it was fun and it is a really good outlet for me, just writing down what's going on in my mind.  It isn't always pretty, but it's always honest.

So, I figured I'd go ahead and jump and make a blog over here.  I hope it lasts lol. 

I am writing a book and sometimes I do need a place to let off steam, even if my time would be better spent working on the story than writing pointless babble, I sometimes need a break!! 

I don't usually write about anything in particular.  Just the adventures of a stay at home mom of three.  I also have a hubby, my 20 year old nephew, my (almost) 16 year old niece, two dogs, two birds and a fish who live with me.  It is rarely quiet around here and never spotless.  But it's mine and I love it! 

I'm often moody and probably bi-polar (lol) and sometimes my thoughts are pretty dark.  But I never quit looking for the ray of sunshine in that darkness.  I hope I can bring a few smiles or at least some sense of understanding to anyone who reads anything I may write. 

Maybe I can learn something about myself along the way.  Maybe I can meet new and amazing people and all thoughts of MySpace and past blogging fun there will be just a distant memory that makes me smile, instead of something that still makes me kinda sad lol.  :) 

If you're reading this, I welcome you to click the little subscribe button or whatever it's called here, and hang out awhile!

Love and Light,